Homer Simpson Desk Lamp | Almost got this!

I’m sipping on a glass of imported cabernet. There are Italian sausages cooking in the kitchen and the early evening news is on. And here I am, lounging in my computer chair, obsessively hitting the F5 key on my keyboard all because I want crap. Yes—crap.

I want my Bag of Crap, dammit!

There’s a Woot-Off going on. It started Monday night. If you don’t know what a Woot-Off is, or have never heard of Woot, I apologize in advance for what I am about to tell you. Go ahead, you can blame me for your upcoming addiction.

Woot is an online retailer. They sell only one item. It’s a different item every day. Sometimes they have lots of it, sometimes they don’t. The item changes at 12 AM CT which means that every night at 10 PM my time, I click the Woot bookmark in my toolbar. The item for sale is usually, though not always, some sort of electronics, often computer related, and highly discounted. It could be a hard drive, MP3 player, digital camera, etc. They’ve been known to have blenders and vacuums and stuffed screaming monkeys too. Often it’s junk, sometimes it’s a steal.

During a Woot-Off, instead of waiting until midnight to change the item, the item changes as soon as it’s sold out. Woot jokes that they’re cleaning out their warehouse, which actually may be true. You’ll see repeats of items they had on previously, often something that didn’t sell out before which they’re hoping will sell out now.  There have been some amazing deals on computers and some really nice watches among other things, and it’s a guarantee that it will sell out.

We Wooters are a strange lot, illogically obsessed with seeing the next item, even if it means buying the current item to move things along. We’re also so worried about the current item selling out before we’ve had a chance to buy it that many of us actually click the giant “I want one!” button without taking the time to think about if we really want it. If it’s heavily discounted, related to bacon or The Simpsons, you can bet that sucker’s going to be sold out in less than a minute. I almost fell prey today when I immediately clicked the “I want one!” button once the new item loaded. It was a USB-powered Homer Simpson desk lamp. Because it took forever for the order form to load, I knew a lot of Wooters were doing the same thing.

I was excited. The hunt was on. I smelled blood. He would be mine!

The order form loaded. My account info was saved except for my CVV code, which I typed in from memory.

I clicked again and waited as it loaded the next step. Everything validated okay! It was time to complete my order. The big “Buy it!” button called to me. My mouth watered. I licked my lips and gripped my mouse and then…

I stopped. WHAT WAS I DOING? Have I been in the market for a USB-powered desk lamp? No! Do I need one? No! Is this something I’ve always wanted but never knew I did? No!

But but but… it’s Homer Simpson. And I love The Simpsons! And it’s cute. And there are thousands of people trying to get it right now who are going to be denied but not me, oh no not me, I’m a winner!

Well, by the time I got over this onslaught of sensibility, it sold out. I didn’t fall prey to the genius that is the Woot business model. It’s all about impulse buying, and I fought it and won. So, no regrets. Right? Right.

OMG, WHY DIDN’T I BUY IT! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Just kidding. I am, really.

Anyway, the Woot-Off is still going on as I type this. I have a Woot-Off tracker opened in another browser window. It shows me in the tab what percentage of the current item is left, which is now at 69.2% for a Philips universal remote that’s priced at just $2.99. They must have a lot of it on hand; it’s taking a while to sell out.

I actually bought something from the Woot-Off earlier today; earbuds which I actually needed. They were a steal at $9.99 (I risked a quick Google search and saw that they were selling for $35 - $46 elsewhere.)

Been needed a working pair of earbuds for a while now.

There were a few other items I had wanted earlier, but I lost the race and they all sold out while I was trying to order: a 4-pack of Bacon Salt, a wi-fi USB adapter, and a wall cabinet.

Why wouldn't you want to make everything taste like bacon?

Hmm. I had to look through their list of what’s been up during this Woot off and saw items I had missed because I foolishly decided to get some sleep tonight. They had a really nice set of elevated dog bowls and a Homer Simpson 4-port USB hub. Curses!

Missed it! That's what I get for going to bed.

But oh well, it’s okay. I don’t really want all that. Hell, I don’t even want the earbuds all that much. What I want, what every single one of the thousands and thousands of other Wooters want, is the ever elusive, highly coveted Bag of crap. Yes, the holy Bag of Crap! I bow to you and I will possess you!

Why don't you love me?

What is this Bag of Crap you ask? This thing that makes men weep and marriages crumble?

Well, it basically includes some sort of bag. And crap. Up to 3 orders of crap. You have to specify at checkout if you want 1, 2, or 3 pieces of crap.

Woot will be the first to tell you that it really is crap. Worthless, useless crap. Like broken MP3 players. Glitter pens. Miscellaneous warranty cards. A used plastic Christmas tree.

You see, every once in a while, instead of putting up a regular item, Woot will put up what they call RANDOM CRAP. You don’t know what you’ll be getting. It’s just random stuff from their warehouse. At checkout, specify if you want 1, 2, or 3 (the max for anything on Woot). They’re $1 each. Shipping is the standard $5. Your bag of crap, called because it almost always includes a backpack or camera bag, will be a total surprise when it arrives.

But good luck getting through with tens of thousands of other Wooters all competing for about a measly 2500 B.O.C. The Bag of Crap brings the Woot servers to a crawl, if not a complete crash. You can expect to have your browser time out. You can expect to see error pages. You can expect your heart to pound, your palms to sweat, your knees to buckle.

All for crap? Why?

Well because, every once in a while, as often as a blue moon, sometimes the random crap turns out to be a brand new 45″ HDTV or a Playstation 3 or a Nintendo Wii or a Dyson Vacuum. Or, just as cool though not nearly as expensive, an iPod or robotic dinosaur. They are very clever, those powers that be behind Woot, they know that all they have to do is throw in a bit item every few months (if even) and we will come in droves, pushing and shoving and trampling each other to get our chance.

Our chance at crap.

In the 3 years I’ve been a Wooter, I’ve gotten 3 bags of crap. The best thing I’ve ever gotten was a lot of 11 MP3 players, mostly used, 3 broken, 2 brand new. I have gotten a random warranty card they probably picked up off the floor in their warehouse. Yes, quite crappy. But then again, they warn you that it will be.

And still, I want it. Oh yes, I want it bad.

Update: I just Wooted again!

It holds about 60 pictures.

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